firebranding | (no subject)

[ The corners of Xichen's mouth tug up slightly at the sulk. It's good to hear the laugh, after all, surprised out of him and unfeigned.

Then he tilts his head and listens attentively, and his breath comes out with a soft, soft sigh. ]

Of course you do not hate it, especially if there is someone to keep you safe and if you still keep people safe. Trying to control everything, including yourself, has many reasons, and I know I say that as leader of the Sect that is... focused on self-regulation.

I think, and I might be wrong, yet I think what you seek is not self-regulation, but freedom. One thing that not even being a chief cultivator could give you.

Loss of control, when it is safe, is a form of freedom. Especially when you have been holing on for so long.

It will feel better when it is not forced upon you, but you choose to surrender that control. When you are ready.

[ Beat.

And then the corners of his mouth tug up once more. ]

Although 'better' might be quite different from 'easier.'

I...

[He begins, then hesitates. It’s not something he talks about with—anyone. Ever, really. It’s not about trusting Xichen or not, it’s not about trusting himself. It’s about opening old wounds once more, ones that don’t necessarily need to be and ones he doesn’t like acknowledging in the first place.

After a moment he decides he’s not quite ready to bring those fears up yet—losing control had only happened once or twice so far. It wasn’t likely to become a habit. Probably. Yet.]

I suppose there if a lot more freedom to be found here, in a lot of ways. [He shifts a little and relaxes more, all but melting in Xichen’s lap.] It’s— It’s nice, but still... terrifying. There are few I trust here, and even fewer I’d trust with myself in such a state. Not that that seems to bother me much under Cordis. [This is said with an almost comical exasperation too]

But, in those moments... My mind goes blank and empty and it’s... Nice to just not think, for once.

Ah— [Meng Yao pauses and his face slowly begins to color red once more, his laughter a little nervous and high.] ...This feels like it should be inappropriate to talk about in the first place. This place has been getting to us all in one way or another... [he’s being MODERNIZED. The horror.]

While the path to it is ... something I would be cautious discussing in public, we are in private enough that speaking of it is not something to be ... too complicated about. Not between two adults, at least.

The peace, even if it is brief, is something important to remember that you can have. Perhaps there are other ways to achieve it, too. For now... when it happens, cherish it. Remember that the blankness, the silence, that is also you. This place has allowed you to discover it, and it is not a bad thing.

And there are often many paths to the same destination. If this path worries you, we can seek out another.

Or... you can, if you would rather do it on your own.

Just know that if I can help, [ and he does include mental and emotional capacity, not just physical; and includes Meng Yao's willingness to be helped by him, as well, ] I will.

It’s still a little embarrassing, Xichen. [You don’t just talk about these things! Even in private! You repress it until you explode or die from a heart attack at the age of 32, it’s FINE.

But he keeps talking and he softens again, looking embarrassed still, but... Sincere, at least. His face open and honest despite the embarrassment—or maybe because of it.] I... don’t want to do it alone. I want your help, still, but it’s...

[Complicated? Hard? He reaches out to touch at the side of Xichen’s face, his fingertips warmed from the cup of tea] I feel like I’d just be dirtying you somehow. Or that you won’t be able to give me the things I want, and that’ll make you feel worse.

But... More and more lately, I’m also finding that... Just being around you like this calms my mind immensely. I can breathe, I can... Forget, for a few moments, that the world isn’t just you and I and the tea we share between us. It’s not quite the same, but it’s comforting and freeing similarly.

[He goes quiet a moment and reiterates softly] I don’t want to do this on my own. [Not anymore, at least, tentatively reaching out for that help now, instead of withdrawing and wrapping himself up further under layers upon layers of lies and schemes.]

A little embarrassing. [ Soft acknowledgment of the first words. ] But if it leads to better understanding and less problems, it is more than worth it.

And no - I may not be holding your hand ever step of the way, but I would not see you struggle to find a path across the field of thorns alone. For this peace alone, if nothing else.

[ Xichen breathes out. His arms tighten, a fraction. ]

I could not say that failing to give you what you want does not or will not make me feel worse. But - there is peace in understanding and forgiveness, too, if you would grant them. We can...

Lean on each other, a little

And as long as this place does not tear me away, you will have at least me, to face the chaos that threatens. Or the habits, or the doubts, or the questions in the night.

[He had to make do with what he had, what Xichen was offering. Xichen was terrible at saying ‘no’ and Meng Yao wasn’t sure he was the right person to help Xichen set boundaries himself, or the right person to say no for him.

He takes a breath. It’s not a matter of if he can forgive—he has nothing to forgive. Huaisang, for killing him? He can’t even be angry about it anymore. He can’t and won’t forgive him for using Xichen, but what can he do about it here?

‘We can lean on each other,’ but could they? Oh, Meng Yao knew he could lean on Xichen anytime. And he could tell Xichen a million times that he could lean on him too, but would he?] And you have me. [He says it softly, just to make sure it is said.] For what little that might mean. If not me, you have Hanguang-jun and the other friends you’ve made here.

You do not mean little, Meng Yao. You mean, so, so much.

[ Forgive Xichen, obviously. For what he did, for what he failed to do...

Also, does he have you, Meng Yao? How soon will you choose a different goal and he's just someone to keep most parts of yourself away from... again?

How do you know?

And how should Xichen? ]

You do know that even when I choose others - like Wangji - at times, that does not mean that I am or will be abandoning you, do you not?

[ Because there will be times when he chooses others. ]

It is not choosing against you when I do so.

Will you at least try to remember that, for me?

If you are not certain what something means, you can ask me.

Ah—

[He closes his eyes briefly, brow slightly furrowed. The words coil around his heart and he locks them there, basking in the warmth of them.

Then Xichen keeps talking and Meng Yao opens his eyes to peer up at him, expression turning a bit confused. What had brought that on? Granted, it was words he probably needed to hear, a conversation they needed to have. He didn’t consider himself a particularly possessive person, but he... He has a knee-jerk initial thought of scoffing at that. what old it be, besides abandonment?

But, ah— that reaction is precisely why he needed to hear it, isn’t it? He leans back a little to reach up and cup the side of Xichen’s face again, eyes searching. Even he’s not entirely sure what he’s trying to find, but something he sees seems to satisfy him.]

...I will try to remember, Xichen. I... I know that it’s difficult for me to not search for insult in perceived slights, imagined or not. I’ve grown so used to finding them that I’ll assume them where there is none. My mind just... [He trails off, trying to figure out a way to explain and describe that would make sense.

If he’s ever hoping to really see change, in both of them, and keep moving forward and rebuilding that bridge, to use the metaphor Xichen was so fond of using, he knows that talking and honesty between them was key. But for someone like him, whose use of words was a complicated weaving, almost never direct, relying on other peoples’ minds to fill in the gaps— it was hard. It was hard to admit honest things even to himself. His hand drops from Xichen’s face to rest against his chest, curling slightly into his robes once more, the texture of the fabric between his fingers giving him focus and grounding him.]

There were many times in my childhood I’d had kindness used as a weapon against me. It’s difficult for me to not immediately jump to the worst conclusions and read ill-intent when there are none. The hurt runs too deep to simply cut the poison out of my mind and be done with it. I can’t change these anxieties overnight. Everyone is afraid of losing those they’re close to, but for me it’s... Even the hint of a perceived threat turns my own mind against me. It spirals and pulls me down with it, jumping to the worst case scenarios and I convince myself that it will come to pass and I have to do everything in my power to keep it from being so.

...And in the end, that’s only led to things growing worse. This... [whatever it is] between us... I lost it before. It’s rebuilding, slowly, and I cherish it and treasure it. And because of that, I fear losing it even more. When things are good, it scares me. Being this happy— truly happy, not a falsified existence I’ve managed to sew together on a foundation of pain and bloodshed... This honest happiness is better, much better, but at the same time, more terrifying.

But I don’t... I don’t want to destroy everything in my attempts to keep this. I’m trying to talk to you more instead, to calm my fears directly instead of assuming and letting it fester. With you, and with others. [Like telling Zixuan everything on his own, like the times he’s spoken to Xichen directly when he’s having a bad time instead of holding it in. Like now.] But opening up, being— being vulnerable... I struggle with it. I don’t know if there will be a time when I won’t. But I hope you can see that I am trying. That I will continue to try.

[ Xichen listens, attentively, his arms tightening a fraction where he is holding the other man, and he nods slowly in the end, his mouth a little sad, but his eyes mostly just soft. ]

I thought... it might be something like that. And that when it happens, it might help, if only a little bit, to have something solid and specific to hold on to.

[ They both know that Xichen will choose others, one way or another, sooner or later. They both know that Wangji would come first, and sometimes others, too. Sometimes, Xichen will need to choose others in order to stop Meng Yao from falling back to actions that have been honed, as he is aware himself, over years and years. ]

I do know that you are trying. And I do know that it is difficult, and lonely. So you should also know that, unless I am taken away - even if my actions do not align with your hopes or wants, I will not abandon you. And I will do my best to make sure your needs are not unanswered.

[ One hand comes up to cup the side of Meng Yao's face, long fingers with calluses from the qin, over delicate skin. ]

It may not be what it was, this thing between us. But what it was - far too much of it was an illusion. What is between us isn't emptiness, and while there are sharp shards that slice sometimes, it is not all bad, either. I would... rather we build it up, slowly, with truths and catching each other when we stumble, and see what it becomes, than attempting to recreate the past.

Is that... agreeable?

[And in turn, Meng Yao is selfish and greedy at his core. He will always, always want to be first in Xichen’s eyes, in his heart, in everything. He’s not certain they could ever achieve that, not even back before everything had crumbled down—it simply wouldn’t be in Xichen’s nature to be able to give up everything for him. Likewise, Guangyao hadn’t been able to give up everything to be at Xichen’s side.

The envy is a poison he’d be fighting all his life; they both simply had to accept that and work through it. He leans into the hand on his face, breathing in the scent of him, one hand rising to cover Xichen’s with his own.

His brow twitches, just a bit of hurt— it wasn’t all illusion, he wants to say, but that’s not the point. The feelings had certainly been real, but the foundation itself... He can’t fight against that truth, as much as it hurts him to admit it’s there. Meng Yao takes a breath to steady himself and relaxes again.]

Yes. [He murmurs, gentle but firm in his resolution.] It’s better this way. I know that. I want that. [he turns his head to press a kiss to Xichen’s open palm.

For a moment he’s quiet, just basking in the gentle calm] Xichen. May I make a selfish request of you? [But there’s a small smile as he peeks back at Xichen, his voice light, all in an effort to show that his request isn’t actually anything terrible or something to actually be worried about.] You can refuse, of course, and I won’t take offense, I promise.

[ Xichen did not say it was all an illusion. But far too much of it was, silences and secrets and stealth and sickening, crushing thoughts and deeds. Xichen can't do that again. He can't.

But not fighting against the truth, painful as it may be, means that he is sparing himself the pain of watching Xichen hurt more.

And truth, thorny as it is, is the only path they have forward. Because back waits an abyss.

Xichen's expression is soft and open, though... he is aware there is a huge gap between 'I would be all right with a refusal' and 'I won't take offense.' Even so, they need to start somewhere. ]

Go and and ask. I think, whatever the answer, I would like to know ... what you want.

[All of that build-up and suddenly he looks a bit like he can’t bring himself to ask. He almost says ‘never mind,’ implores Xichen to forget he asked at all—but that would feel like taking a step back.

Still, he hesitates shyly, his smile turning almost sheepish as he asks] ...May I have a kiss?

[ Xichen blinks. He probably should not be surprised by the request, but he is. These last months, even with the budding intimacy with Zichen, have given him a much needed break from complicated questions like this.

He takes a deep breath, hand caressing Meng Yao's face in reassurance. If nothing else, the request is not upsetting. Possibly far less so than...

Than when they kissed with Meng Yao's arrival. ]

Possibly. [ Careful, and soft. ] Will you tell me, after, what either answer means to you? A yes and a no?

It is not a condition.

[ It is asking for something in return, and yes, he is aware that he implied his answer. ]

[His eyes search Xichen’s face anxiously and there’s a slight relief when he doesn’t react negatively to the request.

He’d actually been fully expecting an outright rejection, so when he doesn’t get it he’s struck a little dumb before his brain kicks into gear to answer.] Yes. [He nods, though he’s not sure if he can put the answer into words properly—he’d simply have to try his best, because... Because it’s Xichen. Because he’s asked.]

I promised I wouldn’t keep things from you anymore, to be honest with you. If you ask, I will do my best to try and explain.

Thank you.

[ Xichen is still unsure if it is the best idea, his stomach churning uncomfortably, but the horror at himself for doing it is somewhat less, compared to when Meng Yao was inflicted with the wings. It has been months, and eventful ones, since then, after all. And Meng Yao has held true to behaving decently and not returning to hiding behind deceit. While the awareness of damage caused, between the two of them, to people Xichen cares about is still there, perhaps if they are clear on what things mean...

Either way.

Xichen shifts to tip Meng Yao's chin up and does kiss him. Not quite a chaste peck - he is not unaware of what was asked for - though he doesn't initiate any tongue action, either, keeping the kiss sweet and soft.

The moonlacing doesn't falter, this time. ]

[Meng Yao holds himself as still as he can, though there’s a trembling that begins in him as Xichen’s fingers slide over his jaw, lifts his head. There’s a noise like relief as he follows through with the kiss, but Meng Yao doesn’t push it. He allows Xichen to take the lead on it and follows suit, not deepening the kiss further.

But there’s a sort of reluctance when he eventually pulls away to break it, his expression a bit dazed but pleased. He smiles and reaches a hand to take Xichen’s that’s one his face, turning to press his cheek against Xichen’s palm and close his eyes, sighing contently.]

...If you had said no, I would have respected it, of course. I won’t say I wouldn’t be disappointed. A ‘no’ would have meant... [He trails off and opens his eyes again, trying to figure out how to put it into words. Xichen had asked, and he’d promised to try and explain.] It would have felt like there was still something I was lacking. That I hadn’t done enough yet to earn this affection from you.

[His brow furrows slightly, because something about that didn’t quite seem right to say either.] Affection like that isn’t the goal of any of this, I know that. But it’s a side-goal. If you had said ‘no,’ I thought, perhaps, I might need to reevaluate that. Perhaps take it off the table as a goal all together, or figure out if it’s something that was possible at all to hope for.

Saying ‘yes’ means I’ve been doing something right. That I’m on some kind of right track. That perhaps there is hope for my feelings, one day.

[He trails off, still not quite sure if he’s been able to articulate it all very well, but he sighs a little anyhow.] I won’t ask you for more Or make you uncomfortable. Just this one was enough for me. Thank you, Xichen.

[ Xichen listens, then nods slowly. He is grateful, both for the words and the reassurance. But... he needs to clarify something, too. Though he suspects it won't be easy for Meng Yao to hear, either. ]

Thank you, too, for this. For telling me, and for not asking for more. It is... I would like you to understand that, sometimes, if I say no it is not because you have failed. Not because you need to meet expectations that are impossible, nor because my affection is conditional. It - it is not.

But expressing it...

After... all was revealed, I have not been able to trust myself. I trust... Wangji, for his eye was ever clear on the truth. And, far too late, I trust da ge.

So when I - have to choose how to act, including - expressing affection. I ask myself if Wangji would disapprove. If da ge would disapprove. On some of the days, I feel like anything I choose or do, they would. So if I - do not... give, should you ask, it may not be your failing. It may be mine.

[ For a moment, his eyes grow distant.

Wangji brought Meng Yao here, so clearly his approval was not under question. And da ge...

He thinks, knowing ways of this place and Meng Yao's efforts, that da ge wouldn't have been mad at him. ]

I think da ge would have been ... not disappointed with you and what you have been doing.

[He listens, because Xichen was kind enough to listen to him before, so it’s his turn now. The mention of Mingjue makes his heart clench and he closes his eyes as if pained, swallowing hard.

He can’t believe that. He can’t believe that Mingjue would have anything other than utter contempt for him. That he’d accuse anything Meng Yao did towards his goal of bettering himself to be somehow in the worst light. The worst assumptions or misunderstandings would find the light if Mingjue had his way, but—

But he’d always had Xichen there to defend him. Would he have defended him now, if Mingjue had still remained? He doesn’t know and doesn’t know if he wants to know.

Instead he sets his tea aside to wind his arms around Xichen’s middle and tuck his head under the other’s chin, finding safety and calm again in this.]

Do you think so? [He asks it not with the tone of disbelief, but in hopefulness. It would have been nice to have Mingjue’s approval in anything again.]

We’ll simply... Have to figure this out—together, or separately, one step at a time... As I’ve said, I’m willing to put the work into it, but only so long as you’re willing to receive that sort of thing.

I do think so. [ Quietly, his eyes growing a little distant. ]

Da ge, he... he hated being lied to or deceived.

But he... For all his anger, he cared about you, a lot. Loved you. So every time you twisted away from truth, however small or innocent, it reminded him that he had allowed himself to love a deception. But he allowed me to persuade him into - the oath. [ The oath Meng Yao betrayed. The one that Xichen had insisted on to mend the rift, but instead...

No, Xichen knows that his own choices have never been realistic, or good enough. And they are unlikely to become so. He squeezes his eyes. ]

He allowed it because he kept hoping that you would try to do better. To do the right thing.

I think... you are doing that now.

So, if I am not wrong about that, he would approve.

[ A long, shaky breath. Then. ]

Perhaps. I will not stop trying to do the work, either. [ Xichen reaches up to caress the soft cheek. Brush a lock of hair away from Meng Yao's face. ] I won't expect you to carry an additional load when you are still stumbling. Please, don't try to ask it of yourself, either.