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Jin Guangyao ⬤ The Untamed
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[His eyes search Xichen’s face anxiously and there’s a slight relief when he doesn’t react negatively to the request.

He’d actually been fully expecting an outright rejection, so when he doesn’t get it he’s struck a little dumb before his brain kicks into gear to answer.] Yes. [He nods, though he’s not sure if he can put the answer into words properly—he’d simply have to try his best, because... Because it’s Xichen. Because he’s asked.]

I promised I wouldn’t keep things from you anymore, to be honest with you. If you ask, I will do my best to try and explain.

Thank you.

[ Xichen is still unsure if it is the best idea, his stomach churning uncomfortably, but the horror at himself for doing it is somewhat less, compared to when Meng Yao was inflicted with the wings. It has been months, and eventful ones, since then, after all. And Meng Yao has held true to behaving decently and not returning to hiding behind deceit. While the awareness of damage caused, between the two of them, to people Xichen cares about is still there, perhaps if they are clear on what things mean...

Either way.

Xichen shifts to tip Meng Yao's chin up and does kiss him. Not quite a chaste peck - he is not unaware of what was asked for - though he doesn't initiate any tongue action, either, keeping the kiss sweet and soft.

The moonlacing doesn't falter, this time. ]

[Meng Yao holds himself as still as he can, though there’s a trembling that begins in him as Xichen’s fingers slide over his jaw, lifts his head. There’s a noise like relief as he follows through with the kiss, but Meng Yao doesn’t push it. He allows Xichen to take the lead on it and follows suit, not deepening the kiss further.

But there’s a sort of reluctance when he eventually pulls away to break it, his expression a bit dazed but pleased. He smiles and reaches a hand to take Xichen’s that’s one his face, turning to press his cheek against Xichen’s palm and close his eyes, sighing contently.]

...If you had said no, I would have respected it, of course. I won’t say I wouldn’t be disappointed. A ‘no’ would have meant... [He trails off and opens his eyes again, trying to figure out how to put it into words. Xichen had asked, and he’d promised to try and explain.] It would have felt like there was still something I was lacking. That I hadn’t done enough yet to earn this affection from you.

[His brow furrows slightly, because something about that didn’t quite seem right to say either.] Affection like that isn’t the goal of any of this, I know that. But it’s a side-goal. If you had said ‘no,’ I thought, perhaps, I might need to reevaluate that. Perhaps take it off the table as a goal all together, or figure out if it’s something that was possible at all to hope for.

Saying ‘yes’ means I’ve been doing something right. That I’m on some kind of right track. That perhaps there is hope for my feelings, one day.

[He trails off, still not quite sure if he’s been able to articulate it all very well, but he sighs a little anyhow.] I won’t ask you for more Or make you uncomfortable. Just this one was enough for me. Thank you, Xichen.

[ Xichen listens, then nods slowly. He is grateful, both for the words and the reassurance. But... he needs to clarify something, too. Though he suspects it won't be easy for Meng Yao to hear, either. ]

Thank you, too, for this. For telling me, and for not asking for more. It is... I would like you to understand that, sometimes, if I say no it is not because you have failed. Not because you need to meet expectations that are impossible, nor because my affection is conditional. It - it is not.

But expressing it...

After... all was revealed, I have not been able to trust myself. I trust... Wangji, for his eye was ever clear on the truth. And, far too late, I trust da ge.

So when I - have to choose how to act, including - expressing affection. I ask myself if Wangji would disapprove. If da ge would disapprove. On some of the days, I feel like anything I choose or do, they would. So if I - do not... give, should you ask, it may not be your failing. It may be mine.

[ For a moment, his eyes grow distant.

Wangji brought Meng Yao here, so clearly his approval was not under question. And da ge...

He thinks, knowing ways of this place and Meng Yao's efforts, that da ge wouldn't have been mad at him. ]

I think da ge would have been ... not disappointed with you and what you have been doing.

[He listens, because Xichen was kind enough to listen to him before, so it’s his turn now. The mention of Mingjue makes his heart clench and he closes his eyes as if pained, swallowing hard.

He can’t believe that. He can’t believe that Mingjue would have anything other than utter contempt for him. That he’d accuse anything Meng Yao did towards his goal of bettering himself to be somehow in the worst light. The worst assumptions or misunderstandings would find the light if Mingjue had his way, but—

But he’d always had Xichen there to defend him. Would he have defended him now, if Mingjue had still remained? He doesn’t know and doesn’t know if he wants to know.

Instead he sets his tea aside to wind his arms around Xichen’s middle and tuck his head under the other’s chin, finding safety and calm again in this.]

Do you think so? [He asks it not with the tone of disbelief, but in hopefulness. It would have been nice to have Mingjue’s approval in anything again.]

We’ll simply... Have to figure this out—together, or separately, one step at a time... As I’ve said, I’m willing to put the work into it, but only so long as you’re willing to receive that sort of thing.

I do think so. [ Quietly, his eyes growing a little distant. ]

Da ge, he... he hated being lied to or deceived.

But he... For all his anger, he cared about you, a lot. Loved you. So every time you twisted away from truth, however small or innocent, it reminded him that he had allowed himself to love a deception. But he allowed me to persuade him into - the oath. [ The oath Meng Yao betrayed. The one that Xichen had insisted on to mend the rift, but instead...

No, Xichen knows that his own choices have never been realistic, or good enough. And they are unlikely to become so. He squeezes his eyes. ]

He allowed it because he kept hoping that you would try to do better. To do the right thing.

I think... you are doing that now.

So, if I am not wrong about that, he would approve.

[ A long, shaky breath. Then. ]

Perhaps. I will not stop trying to do the work, either. [ Xichen reaches up to caress the soft cheek. Brush a lock of hair away from Meng Yao's face. ] I won't expect you to carry an additional load when you are still stumbling. Please, don't try to ask it of yourself, either.

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