[He releases a breath he’d been holding for the moment, looking relieved.] Sometimes...I feel like I can hardly trust my own decisions. He’s hurting right now, understandably betrayed and hurt. And I... I truly didn’t know which would be best for him. [A pause and he looks like he’s realized something, looking up from his tea in surprise as he repeats in a murmur] What was best for him... Ha. [He shakes his head] I hadn’t thought of anything else.
[That is, he hadn’t thought much of what he’d wanted himself, other than a relationship to still be there somehow. But he’d been prepared to resign himself to giving it up if it was what Jin Ling needed.]
I convinced myself before that the terrible decisions I made were for the best. Now I find myself doubting most of my decisions. I ask myself, ‘is it truly for the best, or am I just convincing myself it is?’ And it worries me. I fear making a mistake so much that it’s paralyzing at times.
But... I made the decision to tell Zixuan. I made this decision to be Meng Yao once more. I do not mean to lean so heavily on your for guidance, I merely wish for... insight, I suppose. [But he’s not entirely certain if that isn’t too much either.
But he looks up to meet Xichen’s eyes for a moment and then smiles slightly, as if amused by a revelation.]
...It hurt. It hurt so much I thought I would cry until my heart simply burst. But afterwards, now... [He takes a breath and slowly exhales again, pressing a hand to his chest over his heart.] It’s strange. It hurts, but I feel like the weight of that gold has been lifted from me, in a way. Like I can finally breathe for the first time in so long.
I don’t think I realized how choking all that gold was until I was able to remove it of my own free will. [He rests his hand back on the table.]
I wish to be Jin Ling’s uncle once more, but I’d like him to know me as Meng Yao, not as Jin Guangyao. I want to be someone he can be proud of being related to once more.
no subject
[That is, he hadn’t thought much of what he’d wanted himself, other than a relationship to still be there somehow. But he’d been prepared to resign himself to giving it up if it was what Jin Ling needed.]
I convinced myself before that the terrible decisions I made were for the best. Now I find myself doubting most of my decisions. I ask myself, ‘is it truly for the best, or am I just convincing myself it is?’ And it worries me. I fear making a mistake so much that it’s paralyzing at times.
But... I made the decision to tell Zixuan. I made this decision to be Meng Yao once more. I do not mean to lean so heavily on your for guidance, I merely wish for... insight, I suppose. [But he’s not entirely certain if that isn’t too much either.
But he looks up to meet Xichen’s eyes for a moment and then smiles slightly, as if amused by a revelation.]
...It hurt. It hurt so much I thought I would cry until my heart simply burst. But afterwards, now... [He takes a breath and slowly exhales again, pressing a hand to his chest over his heart.] It’s strange. It hurts, but I feel like the weight of that gold has been lifted from me, in a way. Like I can finally breathe for the first time in so long.
I don’t think I realized how choking all that gold was until I was able to remove it of my own free will. [He rests his hand back on the table.]
I wish to be Jin Ling’s uncle once more, but I’d like him to know me as Meng Yao, not as Jin Guangyao. I want to be someone he can be proud of being related to once more.