[Meng Yao holds himself as still as he can, though there’s a trembling that begins in him as Xichen’s fingers slide over his jaw, lifts his head. There’s a noise like relief as he follows through with the kiss, but Meng Yao doesn’t push it. He allows Xichen to take the lead on it and follows suit, not deepening the kiss further.
But there’s a sort of reluctance when he eventually pulls away to break it, his expression a bit dazed but pleased. He smiles and reaches a hand to take Xichen’s that’s one his face, turning to press his cheek against Xichen’s palm and close his eyes, sighing contently.]
...If you had said no, I would have respected it, of course. I won’t say I wouldn’t be disappointed. A ‘no’ would have meant... [He trails off and opens his eyes again, trying to figure out how to put it into words. Xichen had asked, and he’d promised to try and explain.] It would have felt like there was still something I was lacking. That I hadn’t done enough yet to earn this affection from you.
[His brow furrows slightly, because something about that didn’t quite seem right to say either.] Affection like that isn’t the goal of any of this, I know that. But it’s a side-goal. If you had said ‘no,’ I thought, perhaps, I might need to reevaluate that. Perhaps take it off the table as a goal all together, or figure out if it’s something that was possible at all to hope for.
Saying ‘yes’ means I’ve been doing something right. That I’m on some kind of right track. That perhaps there is hope for my feelings, one day.
[He trails off, still not quite sure if he’s been able to articulate it all very well, but he sighs a little anyhow.] I won’t ask you for more Or make you uncomfortable. Just this one was enough for me. Thank you, Xichen.
no subject
But there’s a sort of reluctance when he eventually pulls away to break it, his expression a bit dazed but pleased. He smiles and reaches a hand to take Xichen’s that’s one his face, turning to press his cheek against Xichen’s palm and close his eyes, sighing contently.]
...If you had said no, I would have respected it, of course. I won’t say I wouldn’t be disappointed. A ‘no’ would have meant... [He trails off and opens his eyes again, trying to figure out how to put it into words. Xichen had asked, and he’d promised to try and explain.] It would have felt like there was still something I was lacking. That I hadn’t done enough yet to earn this affection from you.
[His brow furrows slightly, because something about that didn’t quite seem right to say either.] Affection like that isn’t the goal of any of this, I know that. But it’s a side-goal. If you had said ‘no,’ I thought, perhaps, I might need to reevaluate that. Perhaps take it off the table as a goal all together, or figure out if it’s something that was possible at all to hope for.
Saying ‘yes’ means I’ve been doing something right. That I’m on some kind of right track. That perhaps there is hope for my feelings, one day.
[He trails off, still not quite sure if he’s been able to articulate it all very well, but he sighs a little anyhow.] I won’t ask you for more Or make you uncomfortable. Just this one was enough for me. Thank you, Xichen.